


What Every Teenager Should Know About Drugs

by Abrus



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: 1970s, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Drug Use, Drug-Induced Sex, F/M, First War with Voldemort, Gen, Hippies, Hogwarts, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Non-Consensual Drug Use, References to Drugs, Resolved Sexual Tension, Sexual Content, Underage Drug Use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-25
Updated: 2019-01-24
Packaged: 2019-10-15 20:00:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 5
Words: 16,198
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17535272
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Abrus/pseuds/Abrus
Summary: Lily forgives Severus. And then they buy weed in a Muggle bookstore. With the First Wizarding War on the horizon and the fate of a world balancing precariously between the two of them, the consequences are instantaneous and reach farther than either of them could have guessed. Perhaps they should have actually read the book. Lily always did like to skim through the pages...





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

>   Property disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or anything affiliated with it besides the plot of this fan fiction. I also do not own the book What Every Teenager Should Know About Drugs by David Wilkerson. I only borrowed the title and a described the book cover. Also, I think it’s fair to mention that David Wilkerson was not an advocator of drug use, but a firm opponent. Therefore I’ve tried to make my chapter headings objective; feel free to interpret them however you’d like. As far as I am aware, they are not from the actual book.
> 
>             Drug disclaimer: the drugs mentioned in this story are sometimes harmful, and generally illegal. This story is not meant to endorse or glamorize drug use. It’s simply used as a plot tool to explore teenage experimentation and what could have been. If you or someone you know abuses drugs, please do both you and/or them a favor and contact your local rehabilitation center.
> 
>             Thanks so much for reading! Feel free to leave your thoughts in a review.

**_…The first hit is the hardest._ **

 

 

* * *

 

            Severus peers out of his bedroom window. He bites his lip so hard he tastes blood. Lily has a new car. A new car she will soon pick him up in.

            He hasn’t seen her since Hogwarts let out a week ago. It had taken him most of their sixth year to convince her to be friends again. It had taken him most of sixth year to convince the Death Eaters he was no longer interested. The curses thrown his way since then still make him ache in places.

            He watches the cars glint in the sun and pass his house one by one. Spinner’s End bites in the summer, and he lives at the very end of it. Nothing ever happens here.  Everything is gray. He wishes he was a Pureblood. He wishes he was Muggleborn. (Not a Mudblood. Never again a Mudblood.) He wishes he lived six streets over, next to Lily.

            (He wishes he lived _with_ Lily, next to Lily in the kitchen and living room and in the passenger seat of a shared car and in a bed at night but he’s lucky to have a strained companionability left.)

            Finally a car pulls into his rocky driveway, ice blue and old and perfect. Lily opens her car door and he panics, tearing his lip open anew. She can’t come to the door. Tobias might kill him. Tobias might kill _her_. He wishes she could meet his mother.

            He bolts down the steps, almost forgets his tattered wallet, sprints through the house, throws the front door open before she can reach it. Her _green green green_ eyes are wide, startled, then bemused as he slams the door shut, drags her away from the dilapidated house and the yells that have started up behind him.

            The car is still cool from the air conditioner. Lily pulls out, giving him odd little glances with those eyes when she thinks he isn’t looking. He’s trying not to stare. Her hair blazes in the sun. (He has _missed_ her, this woman who is his entire soul, life, purpose.)

            “How’s your summer been so far?” she finally asks. Quietly. Uncertainly. He wishes she would laugh, toss her head back and expose the throat he wants to-

            “Fine, I guess. Nice car.”

            “Thanks. Tuny is pissed. Daddy got her a much older car when she was my age.”

            “Petunia is always pissed about something,” Severus snorts and rolls his eyes. “She still with that fat cow Dursley?”

            “Uh huh. I think it’s getting pretty serious between them, actually. She told me just the other day she’s in love with him. I told her that her love life is more fascinating than mine has ever been. It seemed to put her in a good mood for about five minutes.”

            Severus considers his next words carefully. He’s no idiot. He’s seen her with Potter in Hogsmeade before. (Fuck you Potter, fuck you fuck you.)

            “Please. You could be the lover of a toad and have a more fascinating love life than Petunia.”

            Lily blushes and it’s enough for Severus’s main organs to drop through the floor of the car and splatter onto the road below. The day doesn’t seem as sunny as it did mere minutes ago. “Yes, well, I’ve been to Hogsmeade with James a few times. He’s really grown up quite a bit, Sev. But, erm, honestly, -and don’t you _dare_ tell James, Sev, don’t you _ever_ \- honestly, I’ve been out with Sirius a couple of times. Sirius Black. I got… _curious_.”

            _James_ and _Sirius_. Black and Potter. _Both_. Severus wants to cast every Dark spell he’s ever read about at once. “Oh. Curious about what?”

            Lily blushes harder. “Well, he’s got a bit more of a… _reputation_ than James does, hasn’t he? Besides, he’s always so much cooler. Doesn’t try as hard. I feel like he’s nicer to me than James is sometimes.”

            Severus raises an eyebrow at her even as he dies. “And was your curiosity… _satisfied_?”

            His bleak, sarcastic tone is lost on her. She shrieks wildly with embarrassed laughter, brakes at a stop sign, reaches out and smacks his shoulder hard. “Shut _up_ , Severus Snape!”

            His soul splinters inside of him. (She meant _yes._ )

            She takes his silence for judgment. “It’s not like I _shagged_ him. Besides, after being out with Sirius, I appreciate James a bit more. He’s not nearly as wild, you know?”

            Severus doesn’t know, but he nods. “That’s…nice.” (Horrible, awful, damning, _tragic_.)

            “How about you?” she asks after a beat. “Got a girl you fancy at all?”

            He almost shakes his head, but he doesn’t want to lie to her. “One. But I don’t think she’ll ever feel the same way.”

            Lily shakes her head. ( _Red hair green eyes perfect lips_.) “Don’t be silly, Sev. She’ll come around, you’ll see.”

            (Come around on the holidays with Potter in tow, a horde of Potter spawn destroying her body and making her tired.) “Yeah, maybe.”    

            “Stay positive. Have you written to her at all this summer?”

            (A box of her letters under his bed. A million of his own crumpled and tossed in the bin because they aren’t perfect enough to send to her. A million professing love, devotion, crude lust.) “A few times.”

            “Has she replied?”

            “Once.” Agreeing to see him today.

            “Was it warm? Affectionate? Did she ask you to see her? Offer to come to you?”

            ( _Cum for me, Lily._ Psh. In his dreams tonight, maybe. Definitely.) “Er, not exactly. Well, sort of.”

            Lily smiles at him. “Silly Sev. Have you told her you want her around?”

            (Every day, for the rest of his life. Just one Prince or princess, because he knows she wants at least one. Happy, healthy, taken care of.) “Not in so many words.”

            “Well then there’s your problem. Want some ice cream? We can stop up here.”    

            It melts all over the table between them because she wants to sit outside, where she can soak up sunlight. Some of it smears across her lip. (He wants to lick it off for her.) This is possibly the best day of his life so far, discounting the talk of Potter and Black. She’s laughing, talking, looking at him as though he didn’t commit blasphemy against her, take her name in vain.

            “Look! Across the street there. Isn’t that the quaintest little bookshop?”

            That’s his girl, throwing words around like _quaintest_. “It looks alright.”

            “We should go.”

            “It’s probably full of trashy romance novels.”

            “Trashy romance novels are the best kind of romance novels.”       

            (A saucy smile, foxy, the kind of smile he’s imagined seeing against his pillows, her pillows, _dear god Lily please_ -)   

            He’d follow her into Hell. He’s tripping over himself trying to hold the bookshop door open for her. She notices, grins brilliantly at him.

            She snickers at the romance novels but he notices her tuck at least two under her arm. One about a pirate, the other about a knight. (Black, Potter. _Both._ )

            “Ha! Look at this,” she laughs. She holds up a pink, orange, white book, psychedelic swirls making him blink too many times. “ _What Every Teenager Should Know About Drugs._ I think they should add this to the school curriculum, don’t you?”

            He smirks, imagining Binns reading out of a book like that. “Absolutely.”

            The smile fades from her mouth, eyes going flinty, interested as she flips through the pages. She turns them slower, slower. Severus is shocked to his core. Lily, his Lily, interested in Muggle drug culture?

            It’s confirmed when the bookshop owner, blazed out of his mind behind the counter, clears his throat. He’s wearing a name tag reading _Bob_ and his pants are as colorful as the book cover. He’s at least forty. “You two chill?”

            Severus is thoroughly confused by this extreme turn of events, but Lily just smiles, as loving and open and tolerant as ever. “You bet.”

            The man beckons them over, and before they know it, the book is in Lily’s possession, along with enough weed to last them two weeks. This is not the sweet, rule abiding girl he’s always known. (Fuck you Black, fuck you fuck you.)

            Severus gapes at her the whole way back to her car. She’s entirely relaxed and nonchalant as she pulls away, heading for their spot by the river.

            “What?” she asks, sensing his eyes on her.

            “You just bought drugs. _Drugs_ , Lily.”

            “Yes.”

            “… _Why_?” (A voice in the back of his head, asking _why not_?)

            “Why not?”

            “Are you mad?”

            “Not at all. I’ve just been reading a bit, that’s all. I’ve become rather immersed in Muggle hippy culture as of late. It’s Sirius’s latest attempt to piss off his parents, see.”

            “So you’ve done this before? Bought this stuff?”

            “No, Sirius did, but I smoked it. So did Remus and James. _That’s_ an experience I’m not likely to forget, believe me. Peter didn’t want to join in. The boys wanted to pressure him, but I wouldn’t let them.”

            Severus gives himself a moment to absorb all of this. “So I don’t have to? Smoke it, I mean.”

            Lily gives him a scandalized look. “Of course not! God, Sev, what kind of person do you think I am now? I know we haven’t talked in a while, but I haven’t changed _that_ much. I just thought we could chill together. It seemed like something you’d be in to.”

            (Same red hair, same green eyes, same perfect person.)

            ( _Together.)_

            “Both of us? Together?”

            “Both.”

            ( _BlackandPotterBoth.)_

            “Okay.”

            “Really?!”

            “Yes. Of course. I’d do anything for you, Lily.”

            Lily shakes her head, all sternness and beauty. “No Severus. Don’t do something like this for me. Do it because you want to or not at all.”

            Severus looks at the pieces of plant in the plastic bag on the seat next to him. He looks at Lily, relaxed behind the wheel of her blue car, so serene and caring in this moment. He wants to freeze the image the same way Muggle photographs are frozen, keep the sight of the green trees behind her that match her eyes and her hair like fire in the white sunlight emblazoned in his mind forever and ever.          

            He smiles. “No. No, I want to smoke it with you.”

            Lily relaxes further, takes her eyes off the road for a moment to grin at him. “I’m glad we’re friends again, Sev. I’m glad you got away from those Death Eaters.”

            Severus thinks of the terrible reality he could have been trapped in if she had not forgiven him; obsessed with the Dark Arts, without her in his life at all, well on his way to being branded the possession of a madman that would gladly eradicate her entire race.

            “Lily I was so scared!” (The words, they won’t stop, he’s never admitted to them but he has to tell her.) “I was so, so scared Lily.”

            “Of what?” Her eyes are sharp, her tone sharper. ( _I’d do anything for you, Lily._ ) “Of them? Did they threaten you or something?”

            He realizes with a jolt that she would protect him, too. He hadn’t noticed before, but her wand is tucked into her waistband underneath her shirt. Just like his. Her fingers leave the steering wheel, twitch toward the hem of her top.

            “No. I mean, they did when I left them. I was just really messed up. I had good intentions, I swear! It sounds weird. Having good intentions when messing around with Dark spells. But I did. I did it all for you, Lily. But when I thought I’d lost you-”

            “Wait. You did _what_ for me?!” (Anything.)

            “…I’m not stupid, Lily. I know you’re a target. I knew all the way back then. I just, I thought, maybe if I joined them… maybe I could protect you from them. Maybe they would leave you alone.”

            Lily drives in stunned silence. The sunlight becomes oppressive, throws everything into perfect clarity, burning away all illusions. Severus sits and tries hard not to sweat.

            “I can’t believe- you would sign away your _life_?- I don’t even- _how could you_ \- I just-”

            Severus frowns when Lily starts to stutter. Her knuckles are white against the wheel. She’s started to shake. He watches as his soul-mate falls apart in the seat next to him. She jerks the car to the shoulder of the road, head bowed low. She presses her hands to her mouth, eyes screwed shut.

            “Lily?” He has to touch her. He reaches out and puts a hand on her shoulder. She smacks it away.

            She doesn’t look at him, just fumbles in the console for a lighter. She keeps her ( _red_ , red like blood) hair over her face. She rolls the drugs in the bag, lights them up, and breathes in deep. Right there in the daylight. ( _Clarity_.)

            He reaches out for her again, hesitantly, and this time she doesn’t smack his hand down. He rubs her back, slow, smooth. She breathes in once, twice, three times. The smell makes him a little dizzy.

            “I have to get blazed just to deal with you, Severus Snape.” Monotone. Her voice is a monotone. It scares him more than Death Eaters, more than Voldemort.

            She pulls back onto the road. Severus frowns some more. “Should you really be driving like this?”

            “It’s fine. We’re not that far.”

            The grass is warm and soft when they ( _finally_ , Merlin, he never thought he’d be back here) make their way to their spot. He flops down on his back. Lily flops down next to him much closer than she ever has before.

            “Smoke.” She holds a fresh blunt out to him. ( _Clarity emblazoned across the sky, red and blue and green.)_

            He folds his lips around it, takes a deep breath, and coughs several times. A heady sort of feeling hits him immediately. He feels his muscles loosen up. He takes several more breaths, more than Lily. She watches him as he notices the world spinning all around him on its axis. He wonders how he never noticed before. Everything moves so fast. (Gravity. Sky.) Everything is moving but him. Him and Lily. They just breathe, in and out.

            “Why would you do something like that, Sev?”

            “Something like what?” (Had they been having a conversation? He’s going to have to pay more attention. Her eyes are _so damn beautiful_. They make him want to cry. Or pet woodland animals.)

            “Why would you join a group like the Death Eaters for me?”

            “I already told you. I’d do _anything_ for you Lily.” (They are alone here in the mad, spinning world. So many colors. Everything makes so much sense.)

            “You love me that much?”

            Severus loves Lily. He loves the earth and its spinning axis. Or does he love the axis and the spinning earth? “I love _everything_ right now!”

            Lily laughs and he watches the sound as it floats away. “Sev, I do believe you are _baked_.”

            “Probably.”

            “You’re almost as funny as Remus when he’s stoned.”

            “Why would you stone Remus? That’s so cruel, werewolf or not. An _Avada_ would be much more humane.”

            Lily curls onto her side, laughing and laughing and laughing. Severus feels it on his skin. He never wants her to stop. ( _Please Lily. Merlin, just like that. Lily please don’t stop. Cum for me Lily._ )

            He keeps talking. “We should totally stone Potter. Or Black! Or Black _and_ Potter! But that means we’d have to have twice as many stones. Right? Or, no. One of them could just lie on top of the other. I think. I’m confused.”

            ( _Both_.)

            “You’re killing me, Sev!”

            ( _Sev, you’re killing me. Please just let me c-)_

            “What? Killing you? Don’t die, Lily.”

            “Okay. I won’t die. I mean, I suppose I will eventually.”

            “Don’t die before I do, then.”

            “Okay.”

            “I mean it. Then I would stone _myself._ Wait. If I put a rock on top of myself, how would I move to go get more?”

            “…I honestly don’t know.”

            …

            …

            …

            “OH! I KNOW! MAGIC!”

            …

            …

            …

            “Dude. What about when you stone your wand arm? Then what?”

            …

            …

            …

            “Alright. So maybe I couldn’t stone myself. Still. Don’t die, Lily. Stay with me. Always.”

            “I will.”

            “I mean it.”

            “I do too. I’ll stay with you, Severus.”

            …

            …

            …

            “I dunno. I think maybe you could stone your head first. Then it wouldn’t matter if you stoned your wand arm or not.”

 

* * *

            “Severus? What are you doing here?”

            Severus opens his eyes to find Lily staring back at him from only an inch away. He thinks of leaning forward, kissing her swollen lips. Her eyes look larger in the pre-dawn light, too. It’s the most beautiful sight he’s ever seen in his entire existence.

            “You asked me to stay the night at your place. Remember? Sorry for falling asleep in your bed. I should have taken the couch. Shite! Are your parents home?”

            “They left for work an hour ago.”

            “Oh. Good. How did they not hear us come in?”

            “No idea.”

            She drives him home as the sun rises. Aside from feeling thirsty and very groggy, Severus is entirely fine. Better than fine.

            He could get used to doing drugs.


	2. Chapter 2

**_…Drugs make you behave in ways you normally would not._ **

 

* * *

 

            Feathers fly all around them.

            “Damn you, Severus!”

            ( _I love you Severus.)_

            Lily laughs at the expression on Severus’s face. He looks positively diabolical, raising the pillow above his head to bring it down on top of her. (Smoke and feathers. Feathers and smoke.)

            She reaches for the weed burning away on the nightstand next to her. He politely pauses their pillow fight to let her breathe in hard. The feeling goes straight to her head. She grabs for her own pillow, swings hard and hits Severus in the stomach. He _oofs_ and laughs, laughs, laughs. The laughter sinks into her chest and spirals there.

            “That was weak, Lily.”

            “Was not.”

            “Was too.”

            Had it been weak? She swings her pillow again, whamming him in the face this time just to be sure. He loses his balance, falls backwards, slamming into her bedroom floor. (She’s _so glad_ her parents are out. That thump would be awkward and hilarious to explain.) More feathers go flying. The ceiling fan makes them spin through the air.

            She drops to her knees next to him, concerned but unable to stop giggling. She has no idea why watching him fall was so funny.

            “Sev! Are you okay?” Giggle. “I’m so sorry.” Giggle. “The pillow annihilated you!” Laugh. “ _Pillows are such gruesome weapons!_ ” Hysterics.

            The door bursts open and Petunia stands there, arms crossed in all her wretched floral-print fury. She raises her eyebrows in disbelief at all the smoke in the air. Her nose crinkles when she catches sight of Severus on the floor, sprawled out, (like a god, like an offering, like he’s _hers_ ) languid.

            “ _Lily Hope Evans!_ ” Petunia’s voice is shrill and rings in Lily’s head like a bell. (Shrill like a banshee shrill like a wraith, echoes of _freak_ from a million miles and years away.)

            Severus gazes up at Lily, entirely unperturbed by her sister’s intrusion. He looks very interested all of a sudden. “Your middle name is Hope?”

            “Petunia’s is Grace.”

            “Lily, I cannot believe you are _doing drugs._ And in our house! With _that boy!_ ”

            “Well at least you didn’t walk in on me fucking him.”

            The words are out before Lily even thinks of them. ( _Please, Sev, please._ ) He’s gone rigid beside her. Oh well. Things have been awkward between them for days now, after she’d caught him staring at her chest while high and had praised him for it instead of rebuking him. (Unnatural thoughts in her head, unnatural thoughts of Severus her friend becoming _Sev just like that oh god, Merlin yes._ )

            Petunia goes so red she’s all but purple. Lily wonders what her walls would look like, spattered with Petunia’s blood, if the vein pulsing in her forehead popped. “I can’t believe you would even suggest such a thing!”

            “Can’t you? And why not? Severus is a perfectly normal teenage boy. He has needs, I’m sure. As do I. Be thankful you’re not privy to them and leave us be.”

            “ _Lily_! I am telling Mum and Dad _as soon_ as they return-”

            “No you aren’t.” Lily shakes her head. She is very calm. She is so calm she thinks she might fall asleep. This conversation is very boring. “Otherwise, I’ll tell Mum and Dad about _Vernon_ ’s needs. You didn’t sound like you were enjoying his attentions the other night, but he certainly was having fun.”

            “He sounded like a dying walrus,” Severus chips in casually.

            Petunia is speechless. When she is through gaping at them both, she slams the bedroom door behind her. Moments later, they hear the front door slam.

            They both burst into peels of laughter, long hard guffaws that don’t stop for hours and hours and years. When they finally end, Lily lies down next to Severus, stuffing her assault pillow under her head. She snickers and looks at Severus. (Lean muscle under pale skin dark eyes dark hair Dark masterpiece of a soul.)

            “So what do _you_ sound like, Severus?”

            Severus does not answer. He’s been studying a piece of the carpet for several minutes straight, very intensely. Her carpet _is_ quite intriguing, actually. Brown and white mixed together, with hints of green. (Green and black, death life death death life Death Eating living together _Merlin yes Severus harder_.)

            “Sev?”

            “Hmm?”

            “My carpet feels so good. Like a million little love bites. You know?”

            “Whoa. Yeah. _Totally._ ” (A million little bites, everywhere, marking her. Owning her. She won’t cover a single one.)

            A beat, and then. “Wait. You like being bitten?”

            Lily does not answer. She’s noticed a small crack in her wall that she’d never seen before. It is a crack in her life, a crack in the universe. The wall is painted the same on either side, but which does she like better? Surely one is better than the other. Do walls love? Which side of the wall is more likely to love her? The right side is closer to her bed. The left side is closer to her dresser, and therefore her panty drawer. Maybe the crack is the best lover. The halfway point, the edge right before dropping over.

            Is Severus a crack? The right side? The left side? The paint? What is _she_? What’s the meaning of life, anyway?

            She glances over, entirely prepared to ask him, entirely sure he knows at least the meaning of _his_ life, but his eyes are closed.

            She abandons her pillow in favor of his chest and doesn’t question what that means.

* * *

 

 

            She kisses his forehead when she drops him off at his house. His eyes flutter closed. It makes her feel more cherished than she’s ever felt in her life. She wonders if she’s still a little bit high.

 

* * *

 

            “Lily?”

            “Yes, Mum?”

            “Petunia mentioned you and Severus are hanging out again this summer.”

            “Yes, we are.”

            The soap coats Lily’s hands, thickens under her fingernails. She’s always hated the smell of dish soap. She’ll have to put on three layers of lotion before the smell is off her skin.

            “So that fight the two of you had last year…?”

            Lily never told her mother what word exactly Severus called her. Lily never told her mother that people in the Wizarding World hate the idea of being Muggle. How anyone could hate her mother is unfathomable to Lily. ( _Mudblood._ )

            Lily never told Severus that she could have forgiven him for calling her a Mudblood. It was the very loud statement that he didn’t need her that killed her. ( _Please Lily I need you so badly.)_

            Lily needs Severus. She needs his darkness. She’s attracted to his Darkness. She needs his struggle, his strain, his _intensity._ (Intensity like tension like a high.)

            How could Severus not need her? Not need her Light, her optimism, her care, her strength, her help? How could he only need Death Eaters and a psychopath?

            “That fight is irrelevant now. I’ve forgiven him. Everyone deserves second chances.” (A billion chances. Crying in dorms, between classes, longing yearning ripping tendons inside her chest at the thought of the boy who told her she was special slipping away.)

            “That’s true. You know, if I’d never given your father a second chance, he wouldn’t be your father.”

            Lily’s eyes widen. “Mum! It’s not like that between Sev and me!”

            “No? Are you more interested in that James boy? Or maybe the black one?”

            “Sirius Black, Mum. His _last name_ is Black.”

            “Of course, dear. That’s exactly what I meant.”

            Lily washes the last plate and hands it off to her mother for drying. She scrapes at the soap caked under her nails. She does not think of Severus, of his dark eyes and of him taking her on dates, setting up picnics in their spot, kissing down her neck at the cinema. She thinks of James, but as something inseparable from the Wizarding World. (Holding her hand at Quidditch games, sitting with her nestled between his legs next to the Black Lake, walking her to classes, sneaking into broom cupboards.) But Severus… Severus could belong in both worlds.

            (She reminds herself to ask her father to fix the crack in her wall the crack in her life.)

            “No. No, I’m not interested in James or Sirius. I mean, I am obviously. They’re my friends. And I’ve been out with them both. Nothing too serious, of course. Sirius really isn’t my type, and James… he’s so close to what I want. What I need. But he’s just not _there_ yet, you know? And I’m so tired of waiting.”

            “So what’s the problem with Severus?”

            (Death Eaters and bigotry and filthy blood and mayhem.) “Nothing, really.”

            “Why don’t you fancy him then?”

            “Fancying Severus would be… difficult. Complicated.”

            “Why? Because of that silly House rivalry? Gryffindor and Slytherin are only a part of your lives for another year, honey. Then it’s time for real life.”

            (Whispers of attacks, of preparation, of a new Order ready to fight.) “I know. Believe me, I know.”

            “So what’s so complicated?”

            Lily huffs out a breath, reaches for a dry washcloth to wipe off her hands. Her fingers shake. “Severus and I are very different people.”

            “Yes, but you’re also very much alike.”

            “Do _you_ think dating Severus would be a good idea?”

            ( _I did it all for you, Lily._ )

            “I don’t think you should write off the idea entirely. I think you could be good for each other.”

            ( _Maybe I could protect you._ )

            “Really?”

            “Yes. Really. Sometimes, Lily, you have to do the things you are most afraid of. Sometimes the things you are most uncertain about turn out to be the right decisions.”

            “…Honestly, Mum, there’s a lot I would have to give up to be with Severus.”

            Her mother is quiet for a moment, absorbing this. Lily hopes desperately she doesn’t ask for details. She can’t give her those.

            Finally, Lily’s mum dries her hands off and turns to her. She cups Lily’s face in her hands, green eyes on green eyes. ( _Green and black, death life.)_ “Listen to me very closely, Lily.”

            “Alright.”

            “Real love- the kind of love that sustains us, inspires us, _creates_ us- real love _always_ requires sacrifice. Only you have the power to decide to make one. That kind of power is stronger than any magic they’ll teach you at Hogwarts.”

            Her mother pats her cheek, directs her to invite Severus over for dinner the next day, and goes upstairs to read. Lily is left blinking back tears. She can’t imagine ever loving someone that much.

            She wants a love like that more than she ever realized.

           

            

* * *

 

 

            “Tuny?”

            Her sister whirls around to face her, stringy hair done up in a strict bun. She’s invited Vernon to dinner as well. She always tries to dress up with Vernon around, as though she has something to prove.

            “Yes?” (Voice cold, cold like steel and malice. Petunia would make a great Death Eater.)

            “Erm… could you please, _please_ refrain from calling Sev and I freaks tonight? It’s just, this dinner is really important to me.”

            Petunia blinks once, shocked. For a moment, the thick wall Petunia keeps between them crumbles. For one moment in time, Lily sees her sister; the sister that had hugged her when she scraped her knee, the sister that had stuck up for her in school, the sister that had sung silly songs with her on road trips. Then the wall goes back up, and Lily feels a devastating crushing in her chest. She knows it is the last time she will ever truly _see_ Petunia.

            Petunia sneers at her, eyes like sharp broken glass. “I suppose a family dinner with the boy you’re shagging for drugs _is_ quite the event.”

            The crushing turns to shattering. Lily wants to scream, to cry, to rage. Instead she trembles. “I’m not. Shagging him for drugs, that is. Or shagging him at all. _Please,_ Petunia.”

            Petunia nods stiffly, her nose in the air. Lily smiles graciously, and shuts the door quietly behind her.

            Downstairs, the doorbell rings.

            Lily straightens her crisp white blouse one more time and goes to answer it.

 

            

* * *

 

 

            “Severus, I am _so, so_ sorry. Please forgive me.”

            “You didn’t do anything, Lily.”

            ( _Spinner’s End filth, can’t believe my sister cavorts with his kind. I apologize, Vernon, on her behalf.)_

            “I don’t know why she said all those awful things! Everything was going so well.”

            _(Oh honestly, Mother, don’t give me that look! You know as well as I do this trash will never bring her any sort of happiness. Can you honestly say you want Lily with someone that wears a smock to dinner?)_

            “I don’t give two shites what Petunia thinks of me.”

            _(Daddy, what do you think of all this? Do you want this Snape boy touching your little girl? I don’t believe for a second that they’re just friends. You know his type! He’ll use her. Probably knock her up, too, his sort breed like cockroaches.)_

            “I just wanted to do something nice with you. Mum wanted to talk to you. She hasn’t seen you since we fought. Daddy thought it would be fun to teach you how to grill steak.”

            _(Lily, if you insist on being with someone so beneath you, don’t expect to be treated with any sort of class or respect. Not by me or anyone else. The whores downtown would probably laugh in your face!)_

            “Your mum was lovely to me as always, and grilling meat with your father was wonderful fun, I assure you.”

            _(You know what, don’t bother with my plate. Vernon, let’s go. I’ve seen quite enough. Let me know when the freaks are gone, Mother.)_

            “I don’t know what I said to set Petunia off! I only asked if she’d gotten into University, I’d heard the letters had arrived…”

            Suddenly it hits Lily with all the force of the Hogwarts Express. _(Dear Professor Dumbledore, I was writing to inquire if I might also attend Hogwarts…)_

            “Oh! Poor Tuny! Oh, she must not have gotten in! That’s why she was so upset.”

            “She’s certainly never taken scholarly rejection well.”

            Severus kisses her forehead soothingly, his lips lingering there, his fingers steadily combing through her hair. That is how her mother finds them. That is how she leaves them until dessert.

            

* * *

 

            Lily’s so nervous she’s certain Severus can hear her heart pounding. His father is out “job hunting” (day-drinking at the nearest pub) and so his mother finally has the house to herself for a while. He’d begged to introduce her to Lily.

            Lily clutches Severus’s hand as tightly as possible. He’d made her park at the end of the street, in case his father came home early. Strange men leer at her from the alleys. Women glare at her, her clean clothes, her long red hair. She takes a deep breath and reminds herself that within the next year or so, she’ll probably be fighting Death Eaters on a regular basis. This is nothing. Muggles can’t hurt a brilliant witch like her.

            The door swings open on its rusty hinges. Eileen Snape is in the kitchen, frantically cooking. Lily watches with wide eyes as sandwiches make themselves, lemonade pours itself into old glasses, and a dingy mop twirls across the floor. She glances over at Severus to find him staring, dumbfounded, at his mother, who rarely takes her wand out of its hiding place because of his father. Suddenly Lily feels an incredible rush of affection for Severus and his mother.

            Severus clears his throat and the terrified woman turns on her heel. She is very tall and regal, with hair as black as Severus’s. She could have been beautiful if she weren’t so emaciated.

            “Oh! Severus! You’re back already. I wasn’t expecting you for at least another five minutes.” With a wave of her wand, the lunch goes flying onto the table, landing with a slight clatter. Not a bit spills. The mop goes soaring into a cupboard with the door hanging off the hinges, a large hole in the wall next to it. “You must be Lily!”

            Eileen holds out her frail hand. Lily shakes it as kindly as she can, making sure to meet her eyes and smile widely. Eileen relaxes, but only marginally. “It’s lovely to meet you, Mrs. Snape. Thank you so much for preparing lunch, it’s really too much!”

            “Nonsense, it’s not often Severus brings friends over. And call me Eileen.”

            Severus snorts very quietly. He’s _never_ brought a friend over. Lily jabs him as discreetly as possible with her elbow. He smirks at her.

            “I’ve heard so much about you,” Eileen continues as they eat. Lily is astonished. The food is phenomenal. “You’re all Severus seems to talk about.”

            Lily raises a teasing eyebrow at him from across the table. She’d sat down right next to his mother, as at home here in his nasty rundown shack as she is in her own beautiful kitchen. “You talk about me, Sev? Only good things to say, I hope!”

            ( _Mudblood._ )

            “Oh, the best. I hear you exceed at Potions?”

            Lily blushes at all the praise. “I’m alright, I suppose. I’m wretched compared to Severus!”

            Eileen blinks at her son. “Why, Severus, you never mentioned you like Potions!”

            Severus shifts uncomfortably in his seat. “It never came up.”

            When Lily hands the keys to her car to Severus and asks him to please go retrieve it for her (“Oh, you never mentioned she’s been teaching you to drive, Severus!”) Eileen grasps her by the elbow and pulls her in for a hug. Lily likes this woman much more than she ever thought she would. How in the world a woman as intelligent and worthy as Eileen ended up with a pig like Tobias Snape, Lily will never understand.

            “Lily, I want to thank you.”

            “Whatever for?!”

            “You must understand… Tobias has never been kind to Severus. While I don’t venture into the Wizarding World often very more, I _do_ keep up with its news. I’m not a naïve woman. I know the talk. I had feared Severus would turn against Muggles and Muggleborns because of the treatment of his father. It was beyond my most hopeful dreams to think he’d end up with such a sweet girl, and a Muggleborn at that! I just want to thank you for taking care of him. For forgiving him. He told me all about his mistake last year.”

            Lily blinks, trying to take in all of this information at once. “Oh, Mrs.- I mean, er, Eileen. Sev and I aren’t-”

            The front door bursts open, a grinning Severus popping his head through. “Lily, I managed to drive your car all the way down the street! _On my own!_ ”

            “I had complete faith in you, Sev.”

            His eyes dart from her to his mother and back again. “What were you two talking about?”

            “What a lovely couple the two of you make, of course,” Eileen says smugly before Lily can even open her mouth.

            She turns, half mortified ( _I don’t need you Mudblood even the lowest whores would laugh at you freak)_ to find a dazed expression on Severus’s face. He seems to be somewhere very far away. It makes her ache.

            “Right. Of course. Naturally. Ready to go, Lily?”

            Lily nods. She takes over driving. Severus sits unnaturally still in his seat.

            Finally: “I apologize. For my mother’s assumption.”

            “It’s not a problem.”

            “No, really. I should have corrected her. I can’t imagine that was at all comfortable for you.”

            “Honestly, Sev, it’s fine.”

            “It should have been perfectly clear we’re just friends. We weren’t even holding hands at lunch!” There is venom in his voice. ( _Filthy little Mudblood. Does it matter if your parents are Muggles? No it doesn’t matter. Mudblood.)_

            Lily inconspicuously shifts her head so her hair blocks her face from his view. ( _That was weak Lily._ )

            Her tears are dry by the time they reach her house. He never notices.


	3. Chapter 3

****

**_….Drugs can produce intense physiological side effects._ **

****

* * *

 

            Severus stays very still and listens.

            There is blood everywhere. In every vein of his body, it pounds and flows, rushing to keep him alive. There is so much of it if he were to cut his skin open it would come pouring out in floods. He is full to bursting with blood.

            His heartbeat thumps so hard in his chest he feels it echo in his stomach. His entire being pulses with heat, energy, magic, life. It’s an incredible thing to lie still and experience it all.

            Next to him, the love of his life is writhing half-naked on the floor.

            Lily’s hair is spread around her head like an aura set ablaze. Sunlight streams through the living room curtains, creating interesting valleys of shadow. Her skin is almost entirely on display. She’d barely been clothed when she opened the front door for him. She’d been burning. She’d smoked too much and now fire lives inside her skin. Wouldn’t he please come in and reduce himself to ashes, too?

            “You okay, Lily?” (His voice like a razor’s edge. This is too much for him to handle. He’s consumed by the song his body sings for her.)

            She rolls her hips downward at the same time she rolls her shoulders back, creating quite an interesting angle. She doesn’t answer, just slides her arms along the wooden floor and raises them above her head, a melting snow angel.

            “I think I might be dying, Sev. Combusting. I’ve never felt like this before. Like I _need_ something. You know?”

            He has no earthly clue what she’s talking about. He’s not nearly high enough to understand her yet. “Yeah. I know.”

            “Won’t you give me what I need, Severus?”

            ( _Oh Sev! You feel so good.)_

            “I’d give you anything.”

            Green eyes open. Tiny black pupils framed by a ring of emerald. A body straining for something, more perfect than he ever dared dream. Their faces are so ridiculously close. He can feel the heat she emanates. Perhaps she really is combusting.

            He wants her to burn higher, brighter. He wants to be like oxygen and fan her flames.

            She licks her lips. He can’t take his eyes off of them after that. He could die staring at them, perfectly content.

            Those lips form the most perfect demand in the entire world. He will never be so full of servitude again in his life. (He was _created_ to follow this order.) “Kiss me Sev.”

            He doesn’t know why he makes her wait for it. She’s straining toward him, her throat (the throat he desperately wants to lick, to bite, to suck on) bared ( _sacrificial_ ). He moves his face toward her another three centimeters, watches as her eyes flutter half-closed and her face tilts ever backward. ( _Take me, consume me, watch me burn_.)

            A cloud moves over the sun. They are plunged into shade (dwelling in a world of shadows and halfway, _unreal_ ). Her lips pout and she whimpers, her eyes half open again, wondering why he’s taking so long. Her eyes widen and then close once more when they meet his. He wonders what she saw in them. When the sun streams back through the window once more, he closes the gap between them.

            His mind bursts, then rockets somewhere far away. (High, high, _higher_ , the best drug ever; he will never get enough.) Lily’s lips are softer than anything he’s ever felt, and they respond entirely to his. He’s never done this before, because this is something that has always belonged to Lily, but he’s not worried. His body knows exactly what to do. ( _He was created for her.)_ Her lips move tantalizingly against his, but her body is tense and he knows this is not enough. She cannot get there on her own. He rolls on top of her, supports himself above her on his hands and knees, holds himself so that she can arch underneath him and feel satisfied (in control). His fingers skim up her arms, her mouth wet and warm under his, and he presses her hands into the hardwood, squeezes her fingers between his.

            Their mouths are a world of their own, a separate universe, and Severus feels it _(celestially beautifully divinely_ ) acutely when her mouth opens and her tongue slips between his lips. He burns with her there on the floor, sizzling in the places where sunlight touches his skin and shivering in the places where shade does the same. His hands leave hers when she yanks them away to thread her fingers into his long hair. His tongue moves with hers (two halves of a whole, united and reunited once more), slippery and gorgeous, while he skims his hands down her body, over her covered chest to her bare stomach. The muscles quiver under his touch. (They’re firm and smooth and he knows it’s not because of Quidditch but because of yoga- something James, Sirius, whoever, _both_ , won’t know, can’t know because she is his and he alone knows the tiny slivers of her life.) His hands move past her shorts (her breath disappears from his lungs when she inhales sharply after his tongue draws circles on the tip of hers) to her thighs and he leaves them there, holding her legs slightly apart, enough for his knee to slip between them. She moans, actually moans (he never wants to hear another sound again in his life, just that on repeat, he needs to invest in a Pensieve _desperately_ ) when he does with his tongue what he wants to do with his whole body, thrusts in and out of her mouth over and over, never letting her tongue get a firm taste of his own. Their lips never stop moving. He will never exist apart from this spot again.

            She shudders violently when his hands squeeze and his fingers stroke the insides of her thighs. Finally, she is sated (only not really, neither of them are, _and he will never get enough_ ), her curiosity and yearning reaching their boiling point of the day. She relaxes back against the floor, breaks away from him, opens her eyes. He’s startled every time by how green they are.

            (No one will ever touch her after this, she is his, he is hers, it is embedded and branded into his skin and his mouth forever more. He would jump in front of a spell made of green for her, greener than her eyes, greener than anything.)

            “Thank you, Severus,” she breathes as though he has given her the world even though he’s only given her a proper snog, and she closes her eyes once more. The smoke fills the air (fills his mouth fills his mind), left alone too long to simply smolder.

            “Any time,” he says and means it thoroughly. He rolls off of her, to her side, and to his surprise she rolls with him, spread-eagle on top of his chest, her delightful hair in his face and her eyes closed. He can feel the heat between her legs, screaming that she needs exactly what he needs, but the rest of her is pliant and she is already asleep.

            (He exalts in the thought that he can contain the fire for her. This is true power.)

 

* * *

 

            Lily doesn’t mention the most amazing kiss in human history the next time he sees her, so he doesn’t bring it up either but it’s been on repeat in his head for three days. 

            ( _Never never never will he forget.)_

            They aren’t high this time. He thinks perhaps she regrets what happened last time. (There, just the next room over, on the floor. _Oh gods_.)

            “Hand me that fork, Sev? I need something to spear the pickles with.”

            His hand is reaching before the last word is out. She does not even look over her shoulder to take it from him. “Thanks.” (They move together like an old married couple like for good like _eternity_.)

            “No problem.”

            “Bet you’re sorry you came over now huh? I’ve worked you to death with all this preparation for Dad’s surprise birthday dinner tonight.”

            “You know I’d do anything you ask.” Statements like this are becoming commonplace. She must know. She has to know. He will do _anything_.

            She’s quiet for a moment (tension _confusion_ ) and then, “You’ve never regretted anything I asked of you? I can be quite… demanding.”

            Severus ( _God Sev please)_ holds his breath for a moment. “No. Never.” He cannot find it in himself to say more than that.

            He hardly believes it when he sees Lily smile through her (red like _fire_ ) hair.

* * *

 

            Lily is spinning, arms outstretched towards the sky. Above her a dragon flies while next to her several phoenixes are dancing the can-can.

            “Sev,” ( _Sev_ a prayer an exultation a curse) “Sev, you have to try this. Please Sev. I want you to be where I am.”

            She watches him roll his eyes, and the tiny crystals found in Essence of Ecstasy flow down his cheeks. She grins. “No thank you, Lily. I’ll stick to my book thanks.”

            “Oh, but Severus-” _Touch me make me yours like I want to make you mine stake a claim no Death can eat you away from the inside out take you._

            “LSD is _dangerous_ , Lily. It’s not like marijuana.”

            “God, Sev, you sound like a professor. It’s so _sexy_.” The words are out before she can stop them. She had meant to say he sounds like Remus lecturing when the Marauders are getting out of hand. But Remus never sounded so _hot_ hot like black coal hot like the summer night all around them.

            Severus gapes at her for several moments. She’s only been tripping for ten minutes. Surely she isn’t _that_ far gone. Still, the only flabbergasted response he comes up with is, “Lily, I’d rather be Voldemort’s personal shoe-shiner for three decades straight than be a professor.”

            “Yes, yes I know. You’ll teach _sniveling idiots_ the basics of Potions the day I become James Potter’s baby mama. We’ve been over this. I still think you’d make an excellent professor. All intelligent and intimidating. Like I said; _sexy._ ” She throws a leg across him, his face momentarily level with her hipbone, before she sinks down, her perfect stomach and breasts and collarbones sliding across his retinas. He had meant to say something, but he can’t for the life of him remember what. She’s straddling him now in all her gloriousness, hair and bikini still wet from swimming in the river next to their spot all day ( _Merlin you’re so wet for me Lily)_.

            _Ah_. _That’s_ what he’d meant to say. “I don’t think _sexy_ is a particularly sought-after quality in a professor.”

            Lily sniffs disdainfully, her green eyes sparkling. ( _Green eyes like trees against his back like now like life._ ) “Well, I wouldn’t want to have to compete with generation after generation of teenage girls with professor fetishes anyhow.”

            Severus snorts quite spectacularly. “Lily love, there’d be no competition whatsoever I assure you.”

            Her body pinwheels apart _phoenix feathers and skies breaking Lily love Lily love_ and she leans in to press her mouth against his because _I can can I can._

            He groans instantly, the sound pulled from him against his will, dragged to the heavens and taken heavily into account by reality. His hands come up to cradle her back _(I’d do anything to keep you safe_ ) and he shifts his hips closer to hers, love swollen and needing her with every part of himself. She whimpers, pulls back, but before he can panic ( _Lily don’t leave me I’m sorry save your breath no breath left in me without you)_ her lips are back, wet and full ( _Sev you make me feel so full please Sev)_. He kisses her, thinks of Dementors and how they have nothing on him because every time he kisses her (only twice not enough never enough _never forget_ ) he gives her his entire soul. _Every time._ His tongue seeks hers because it doesn’t know how not to, and when it finds hers he feels something foreign, something that shouldn’t be there because it is not her. It’s… It’s…

            A tiny, square shaped piece of paper that melts against his taste buds.

            He tries to be annoyed and finds he cannot. “Very clever, Lily love.”

            When she smiles, it looks like a million little _Arc de Triomphes_.

 

* * *

            “Lily?”

            There is silence for at least three lifetimes before she rolls over to face him. They are in her bed, in the dark. They are supposed to be sleeping. That is one of the two things three a.m. is for. Severus would have noticed if they were doing the second.

            “Is your jaw hurting you? I thought the potion would have fixed it by now.”

            “No. It doesn’t hurt anymore.” Nothing can hurt him here. Certainly not his father. Tobias is deathly afraid of magic and even more afraid of strong women and Lily is the most of either Severus has ever met. She protects him with her love. It is all-encompassing, all powerful. ( _Mudblood; most powerful blood.)_

            “Then what’s the matter?” She scoots closer. He sighs.

            “I’d like to talk to you about recent occurrences.”

            “What occurrences? Did you read something bad in the Prophet today? Oh, Merlin, it wasn’t another Death Eater attack was-”

            “No, no! I meant, the occurrences between you and me. You know. The, er, _snogging_ occurrences.”

            Her eyes go very wide, and Severus wishes desperately he could disappear forever. Or at least smoke a joint. He should have taken Felix for this, but he must know if any of it was ever true. (It will haunt him _always_ ; he can never forget this. She is his only eternal. Not even Death can match her.)

            When she does not respond immediately, he tries again. “Was it ever real for you?”

            Slowly, eyes still wide open, she nods. “All of it. It was _always_ real. I swear.”

            He releases a breath he has been holding his whole life. It feels like a resolution.

            She bites her lip. ( _Don’t hold back baby, let me hear you.)_ “And you?”

            He reaches out, strokes his thumb underneath her red eyelashes. “ _Of course_ , love.”

            _Of course love of course love of course I love, what else could this be?_

            This time it is Lily who exhales, a beginning. “It’s always been real for us _._ ”

            Severus tries not to grin and fails miserably. This is the core moment of his life. Everything has been leading up to this. Everything will continue on because of this. _Everything_. She is his everything. He knows deep inside, deeper than his marrow or his soul, deeper even than his magic that she is his and he is hers and it has been that way since the dawn of time. They were made to be lying here, nestled between soft sheets, discussing their own inevitability.

            There is something welling up in his chest, an unnamable feeling that demands to be made known. It cannot be put into English, but his vocal chords try anyway, chokingly and harshly: “I will _never_ forsake you.”

His name is in her mouth and then her lips are on his. He is not quite sure how she got so close to him without him noticing but he finds he cannot be bothered to question it when her tongue is flicking so deliciously against his. It is just as life-altering as the times before, only now there is no haze of drugs to power through, there is only a heady feeling of absolute elation. He cups her face (so small so delicate when did his hands become enough to cradle her like this?) and she moans a little, so he rises up on one elbow to scoot closer to her and somehow it is a ( _primordial, instinctual, necessary_ ) cue for her to raise her thigh and sling it over his hip, as though she might fly apart and be ripped away from him somehow if she is not clinging to him with _everything_. Severus ( _Severus Severus Severus Severus yes right there please Sev_ ) tries very valiantly not to notice how this opens her body to his every whim and fails. His libido, he decides, was a worthy opponent. Lily ( _his LILY_ ) is making these irresistible whimpering noises into his mouth and he echoes them with one long groan that they both feel everywhere. He wants her to keep making those noises. He wants to find ways to entice them, but at the same time he understands that she wants something he is not currently giving her, and that will just not do. Her whimpers settle into his stomach with all the force of a tempest, and he _must_ eradicate their obligation. (When did he become the level-headed one? When he thinks of lustful hysteria, he always thinks of himself. But he _is_ a master of mental control, after all.)

            “Shh, Lily love,” he murmurs, voice Occluded and calm because if it cracks in this moment he will never forgive himself.

            Her startled eyes find his in the darkness, and she looks almost hurt for a moment and totally wild. “What? But, Sev-”

            “Relax, darling,” he continues in that same soothing tone as he rolls her onto her back. His body follows automatically, settling between her open legs with something akin to grace. It’s more than a little startling, but Lily has always deserved the best and it’s only natural that the Universe lend him some dexterity in order to accomplish that. “I’m not going anywhere.”

            “Then what are you-” and Lily cuts herself off when she feels his fingers between her legs. 

            “Giving you what you need,” he says very quietly, because no one will ever know how to give her this the way he will. (Potter Black both.) She accepts this without question, relaxing her neck against her pillow and allowing her knees to fall ever wider next to him. He sighs as softly as he can, and when her eyes meet his, his mind probes the barriers of hers. He’s surprised to note her natural defenses, just a tad thicker than everyone else’s. She would make a formidable Legilimens, if he were to teach her.

            For now, he sifts carefully through her mind. He has never seen such a mind before, never experienced such love. Lily is so full of it she’s fit to bursting and right now… right now…

            Right now, it’s all focused on him. He finds himself gaping down at her for a terrifying moment, and then he perseveres because if _that_ didn’t make him want to make her cum like never before…

            He finds a particularly enjoyable memory of Lily in the shower stalls in Gryffindor Tower, alone in the night and impossibly turned on. He decides not to delve deeper and find out what exactly had her so hot. It could be painful. Nothing about this should be painful. Instead he slides lace down her legs, mirrors the movement of her fingers in the memory, applying just the right amount of pressure, speed, movement. Lily’s surprised moans turn higher and higher pitched as he strokes her clit slowly, slowly, once, twice, three times. His fingers follow her mind-path down to her entrance, wetter in life than in her/his mind, and he dips his fingertips in shallowly (he would never live with himself if he hurt her, especially like this, he’d rather die rather jump off the Astronomy Tower _right now_ ). Lily rolls her hips underneath him, ( _burning to cinders on her living room floor kiss me Sev)_ and his fingers slip farther in. He hardly dares believe she is _this wet_ because of him, but just a peek into her conscious mind proves that this is true. The eye contact necessary for his Legilimens makes it all the more intense. His fingers take a risk of their own accord, deviating from her memory but not his ( _Hey Snivellus I bet you wouldn’t know a G-spot if I wrote you a greasy book on how to find one)_ and when she cries out so loudly he is forced to capture her cry with the back of his own throat in an open-mouthed kiss, her entire body rioting underneath his, he feels a sense of accomplishment like never before.

            It takes only a few well-timed circulations of her clit to make her cum. For him. _Lily Evans is having an orgasm because of Severus Snape._ He thinks he might actually black out, but taking his hand away from her pussy would be blasphemy of the highest order. He’d deserve no less than a firing squad when she is shaking so beautifully. He breathes so hard medical professionals would probably call it hyperventilation, hides it by scooping his free hand underneath her neck and raising her face to kiss her. Her kisses are frantic, searching, and he tries his best to match the pace of his tongue to the slowing pace of his fingers, coaxing her down as softly as he can. When her ( _wet wet wet_ ) walls stop pulsating around his fingers, he takes them away entirely, aware of what over-stimulation could do. (He would rather _die_ than hurt her.) Someday he will show her what well-timed over-stimulation can be. Ironic as it would be to Black, Severus _has_ read several manuals. (Two-ish years of wishful thinking and masochism have _clearly_ paid off, dear _Merlin_.) Tonight, however, is not that night. He does not wish her parents to call the police when she _screams_ for him.

            He kisses her chastely on the lips at least five times. Well. It _would_ be chastely, if she weren’t trying to snog him senseless. (As though he has any senses left; his entire body feels like a Jelly Jinx). The more she tries, the sweeter he kisses her, until she is snickering and squealing quietly with frustration underneath him. He bends his head to continue his perfectly gentlemanly trail down her neck, across her collarbones, when he feels her stubborn little tongue _on his fingers **those** fingers oh dear Merlin why?!_ He looks up, utterly flabbergasted, to find her sucking on his middle finger quite suggestively, all lips and tongue and oh, oh, _oh._ She tortures him through the thorough cleaning of all five fingers, then his palm. He thinks he might have actually stopped breathing.

            She smiles innocently at him. “ _I_ made the mess; figured I should clean it up.”

            He has absolutely nothing to say to that. _Nothing._ He decides the safest and most pleasurable course of action is to continue kissing his way down her delectable body; Lily makes no move to stop him, instead stripping her nightgown over her head and letting him have at it. Her breasts are perfect, her nipples are perfect, her stomach and her waist are all perfect. He tells her so between kisses, licks, nips, and sucks. He cannot believe that the love of his life, his soul-mate, is lying in front of him entirely naked, and he can taste _all of her._

            Alas, something witty to say after all. “You know, I believe I had a hand in this _mess_ , as you so eloquently put it. I’ll take care of the rest.”

            And before she can respond, he has his hands on her thighs, pushing them farther apart, and his tongue deep inside her center. Lily claps two hands over her mouth and shrieks. Severus smiles against her clit.

            “Sev… no… you… haven’t… and I… once already-” Lily’s pants are verging on _frenzied_.

            Severus rolls his eyes even though they are closed. “Later, if you want.” Even those words are a waste. What is his mundane pleasure, when hers is so divine? He could do this happily for the rest of his existence, even though his dick is so hard it’s practically burning with the need for release.

            Besides, Lily will learn very quickly (if this absurd miracle ever happens more than once and turns out to be reality rather than a dream after all) that she will operate on a two-to-one ratio at all times when with him. At the very _least._

            He quickly gets back to his new purpose in life, and soon Lily is in ecstasy (where she _belongs_ ) once again.

            

* * *

 

            “Lily, no…” 

            “You said later, Sev. It’s _later._ ”

            Then Severus’s (admittedly very capable) brain shorts out because Lily has her precious lips around his _dick_ and one look into her eyes- Legilimens rendered unnecessary- tells him she’s _euphoric_ about it.

            

* * *

 

            Petunia glares at them from over her coffee cup the next morning.

            Severus had snuck out early in the morning to retrieve a change of (equally ill-fitting but who the fuck cares after _that night_ ) clothes, and had knocked on the door exactly one hour later, claiming Lily had invited him over for breakfast. (Which she had. Right before he’d left _her bed_.)

            They sit side by side, holding hands underneath the table and unable to keep the giddy looks off their faces.

            “I could have sworn I heard a small dog being devoured by something _ghastly_ last night,” Petunia sniffs. “Its yipping noises were positively _revolting._ ”

            Lily’s face turns redder than her hair. Her eyes (green, green eyes looking up at him from her position on her knees oh _Merlin_ ) fill promptly with mortified tears. Thankfully, her mother is busy squeezing oranges for juice at the counter.

            Severus has a knack for wandless jinxes. That is why it is a total coincidence when Petunia’s leg receives a severe pinching sensation from seemingly nowhere.

            She shrieks wordlessly, glares at them both, and storms off up the stairs. Used to her antics, Mrs. Evans ignores her eldest daughter entirely.

            Severus squeezes Lily’s fingers, and when she glances at him, he uses the opportunity to steal quietly into her mind and replace all her hurt, anger, and humiliation with the beautiful memories of what they’d done for one another the night before, the love they’d both felt but hadn’t had the courage to voice, the ultimate _pleasure_ , the promise of _more_ , eventually, when they are both ready.

            “She’s just pissy because she and Vernon couldn’t even begin to _attempt_ what’s between us.” His voice is little more than a whisper.

            Lily blinks a few times, tears disappearing, and she smirks at him.

            All is well within Severus’s world, and he wonders if perhaps Tobias knocked him right to Death’s door yesterday. If so, Severus has no idea what he did in life to deserve a Paradise so exquisite. 


	4. Chapter 4

**_…Drugs can drastically alter relationships._ **

* * *

                        “Sorry Mrs. Fulton! My boyfriend didn’t know not to walk on your lawn. It won’t happen again!”

            Severus stops dead in his tracks. His brain observes his heart stop, stutter, restart. Eventually he regains enough motor skills to step off the lawn of Lily’s screeching neighbor and slip shakily into her passenger seat.

            “What did you just call me?”

            Lily grins at him, relaxed as you please, as though she didn’t just drastically alter all reality and time. “My boyfriend, of course. That’s what you are.”

            Then she puts her car in reverse and pulls out of her driveway while Severus teaches himself how to breathe again.

* * *

            “Lily, this isn’t necessary.”

            “Don’t be stupid, of course it is,” she shakes her head (red hair he drinks in like air) and shoves another button-down his way.

            Severus clutches the obnoxiously large pile of fabric to his chest. Lily had insisted ( _Touch me like **that** Sev!_) on coming to this secondhand store and procuring the loudest, most nauseating clothing she possibly could. Now he understands what the Polaroid camera in the backseat will be used for.

            Lily is very, very lucky he loves her more than his own life.

            “Lily, why don’t we just go see a film like a normal couple?” he grumbles and pretends that the words that just escaped his mouth aren’t a bloody miracle.

            “Hush. It’s very early. The cinema isn’t even open yet! Besides, I have the whole day planned. It’ll be great.”

            The sleepy cashier gives Severus a pitying, understanding look. Severus rolls his eyes. As though Severus _isn’t_ the luckiest bastard on the whole damn planet.

            Lily thumbs through several more racks. She adds a skirt with more beads attached than should be legal to the pile, and an orange shirt that Severus will never put upon his person, everlasting love be damned.

            And then her eyes ( _green_ life-death) cut to the lone rack of slightly higher quality shirts and trousers, the ones in calm neutral colors and socially acceptable cuts.

            “ _No_ ,” Severus all but growls. Lily is already moving however, and before he can say much more than several curse words and the term _charity_ tossed in there somewhere, she is throwing several decent articles of clothing onto the pile.

            “ _Don’t_ say a word,” she snaps haughtily when she finally turns to face him. He presses his lips together, thinks of the feel of hers under his. Nods once. Tightly.

            She smiles, rewards him with a flirty hair toss and a wink. “I want some good pictures too, Sev, not just goofy ones. Besides, if you wear _those_ good clothes, I’ll wear…”

            She trails off, eyes scanning the dress rack she had avoided before. Lily isn’t really a dressy kind of girl, and Severus has often appreciated her practicality. But when her (stunning) eyes find a dress made of silver sequins, he finds himself holding his breath.

            She approaches the rack, yanks the dress off the hanger. Severus catches a sparkly glimpse of green, Lily’s gasped _no freaking way how in Merlin’s name?!_ and watches with growing intrigue as she beams a smile at him and slips into the nearest dressing room.

            When she emerges, he promptly drops the outlandish pile of intended purchases and just stares.

            The dress is silver, yes, and half a size too loose for her, so while her front is fairly modestly covered, the back droops down to near-scandalous proportions. It hits her mid-thigh and flares out a bit when she twirls around. This is not what has caught most of his attention, however. (Although her bare back _is_ enticing… dear _Merlin_ …) Across her entire torso, from shoulder to hip, is a zig-zag design that could very easily be mistaken for an emerald _S_.

            “ _Slytherin_ ,” Severus breathes.

            Lily steps forward boldly, the early morning sun throwing refracted light off the sequins to _everywhere_. He wonders if she knows this is always how she looks to him, shining and ethereal and beautiful beyond words. _(Green red silver death eat the air.)_

            “No,” she whispers back, glancing at the cashier, who is stuffing his face full of sausage, “ _S_ for _Severus._ ”

            And then she pulls him into the dressing room and he is (found) lost.

 

* * *

They sit on the train, munching on junk food Lily bought back at the station. Severus is still tingling ( _Shhh, Sev, shhh, I’m pretty sure this is illegal)_ but is now much more amicable toward this asinine photo shoot plan of hers. At least twenty years from now, when he’s undoubtedly the most pathetic and boring individual on the planet while James Potter is off being a Ministry spy and Sirius Black is working for a Muggle bomb squad, he’ll be able to dust off these terrible photographs to prove that this actually happened.

Perhaps he can even charm them to move once they go back to school so that he can watch Lily ( _Lily love Lily love_ ) give him kisses (he’ll feel) for the rest of his life.

Eventually she stops munching and instead swings her feet up and onto the seat next to her. She lies back until she is sprawled across Severus’s lap.

He glares at anyone that comes too close to their compartment.

* * *

After a film that Severus insisted they see (like normal people _not a freak you’re special like me_ ), Lily sighs heavily into her palm, careful not to bash the camera against the picnic table.

“I can’t wait to get these developed,” she snickers.

“Hush. That orange shirt was very sophisticated on me.”

Lily laughs outright this time (music playing in the background, and the lyrics will always sound like her from now on), “Sure, Sev. You looked like a Halloween costume, all that orange and black!”

“Then I’m sure Halloween will be your favorite from now on, then.”

“Oh, sure. I’ll make you dress up like a mad Muggle scientist this year, always fiddling about with chemicals-“

“Hey!” Severus lunges at her, and she shrieks, skips away ( _stones skipping on water at their spot, skimming slightly above when they’re meant to sink, hopping hopping hopping then tragedy_ ), and of course Severus chases.

Lily runs right past it, and then she stops, eyes wide, and backtracks. Severus waits for her at the entrance. She looks from him to the door and then back ( _Sev should we… I mean, can I… please. I just need you so badly Sev-_ ).

“Should we go?”

Severus shrugs. “Well we need to get the pictures developed don’t we?”

Lily takes a deep breath and accompanies him to Diagon Alley.

* * *

Up until the first explosion, Severus had been having the best day of his entire existence. _(There are a lot of those with her.)_

He had followed Lily into Diagon Alley, intent on letting her see the end of her shopping goals, and had hoped to persuade her into an apothecary or two.

Instead, not a half hour into the alley, while holding hands _(where everyone could see oh Sev we shouldn’t I’m fairly sure it’s illegal but **oh** )_ and perusing a rather strange species of owl on the sidewalk in front of the magical pet shop, the (second) worst had happened.

Potter and Black ( _PotterBlackboth_ ) had appeared with a cry of “Evans!” and she had turned away.

“Oh! Sirius. James. I didn’t expect to see you here. School doesn’t start for three weeks yet.”

“Perhaps we just wanted to see all the finest sights… such as yourself,” Black winked, and Severus held back bile.

Lily had rolled her eyes.

“Don’t mind Padfoot, Lily,” Potter had said quietly, most unlike his usual arrogant self. “He’s… _barking_ , you know.”

Black seemed as though he didn’t know whether to snicker or frown at that. It was a most moronic expression.

“Er, yes, of course,” Lily had said, most perplexed.

Severus had arched one eyebrow at Potter. Just what was he playing at? _(Let’s all look at Snivellus’s trousers!)_

Severus was just about to open his mouth to tell them _both_ in no uncertain terms to fuck off, when instead of his nasty retort, a nasty curse was cried quite loudly only six shops down, on the opposite side of the street.

Severus, it seemed, had been the only one to react, and even he did not register at first that he’d responded at all.

The blast blew him several feet away even as he instinctively dodged to the side, thoroughly decimating the entire next block and half of the one he’d just been standing on. Screams sounded, and breaking glass, but all he could hear was Lily’s gasped _“Sev!_ ” as she was thrown backwards, into the glass window with Potter and Black.

Her red hair disappeared into the smoke ( _he chokes no air to eat Death everywhere)_ and that had been the last he’d seen of her.

Two more explosions had gone off, one inside the apothecary he’d wanted to visit, and another even further down the alley, closer to Gringotts.

In the minutes between, the real battle broke out, confused Aurors Apparating far too late onto the scene, two or three being struck down immediately. Hexes, more curses, jinxes, all flew through the air, and Severus could not see, could not think.

Until, somewhere between the second and third blast, he had one thought, and one thought only.

He had to find Lily.

Now, running through a battlefield and not entirely able to see where he is going, he runs over and over the words she’d spoken on the train.

_Listen, Sev… I owled Marleen a week ago._

_No, of course not Sev. It’s not dangerous. Really._

_Well, it’s a bit like Muggle acid I suppose, except safer. It’s a potion with an antidote. It’s not even illegal! Yet._

_Well. Of course we don’t have to take any of it Sev! It’s just that, well, I’m a bit stressed lately. There are rumors… horrible rumors, Sev… and I think something big is going to happen next year. Our last year. And something is always happening at home, either with your parents or my sister. I just thought we could both use a night away. A miniature vacation of sorts. So I told Mum I was staying with Marlene tonight._

_I had planned on staying in the Muggle World, but I suppose the Leaky would do just as fine, if we happened to go. I’m not sure we should._

It is his only chance of finding her in this mess.

Severus takes out his wand, and begins casting.

* * *

Lily feels the blast, and only just has time to reach out and grab Sirius by his shirt and James by his hand. It is more instinctive than anything, a way to feel in control as her body hurtles through the air and smashes through glass that cuts into her back and arms and head.

Smoke fills her vision instantly, turning the world around and inside out; it is entirely impossible to distinguish any one direction from another.

She lies on the floor of the owlry for a moment, glass and feathers flying everywhere, and she closes her eyes, dazed. What had just happened? What had she been doing only moments ago? _(Smoke and feathers. Feathers and smoke.)_

After seconds, or perhaps hours, or perhaps days, a voice comes through. “Lily?! Lily! EVANS!”

It is James. Lily looks at him _(What do you see in greasy old Snivellus anyway?)_ and gasps for air and clarity. “James? What happened? What-“

The second explosion goes off. Lily flinches as more dust flies into the window she just hurtled through, and she curls onto her side, into James. His arms fold themselves around her. Sirius presses himself against her back, tucking his face into her hair. Together they shield her from the worst of it, but nothing can block out the screaming.

She realizes she is still clutching both of them.

She sits up as soon as she can, only to see the bodies of owls and cats and kneazles and lizards and ferrets all around her. The bodies of witches and wizards scatter the ground outside. Spells are flying everywhere. To leave would be suicide, but Lily Evans will not _sit goddamnit_ she has to get up and _move_ to find Severus oh Severus, sweet Severus, _you cannot be dead Severus Death cannot have you today or tomorrow you must stay here._

“Lily-“

“I have to _go_ , James, _Severus is_ -“

Sirius cuts her off as another explosion goes off down the alley, closer to Gringotts. She winces as the ground rumbles, but the smoke and dirt is starting to clear somewhat, enough for her to distinguish the colors of the spells being thrown on the street. She wants to scream when she sees bright green, but the sound never becomes more than a thought ( _memory_ ) in her throat.

She lets go of Sirius’s shirt.

“Are you _insane, Evans?!_ Just leave Snivellus, I’m sure his Death Eater pals will spare him-“

Lily ignores Sirius, and instead glares at James, expecting him to tighten his grasp on her hand. Instead, his eyes roam over her face, and she has the sudden, unbidden thought that he truly has lovely dark eyes that would look perfect in the face of a child. Only, they are not children anymore, and there is no more time to contemplate what it means to be grown.

James lets go of her hand.

“Lily, please-” he tries to say, and a part of her that could have belonged with him breaks inside her and stays next to him with the glass on the floor, but she is gone before she can search for it.

Lily Evans whips out her wand and dives headfirst into war.

Someone wrenched her away from Severus. And for that, there will be hell to pay.

 

* * *

The body count totaled thirty-two.

In all, there were six explosions. (Ollivander’s would have been the seventh, but after hearing the first, he had enacted ancient family wards and the shop had been spared.)

Severus thinks it is rather unfortunate that _PotterBlackboth_ lived. However, Lily tells him instantly of how they held her through the worst of it, and as annoyed as it makes him, he can muster up more than a little (grudging) gratitude.

She has a cut the shape of a crescent moon on her forehead that will undoubtedly leave a Dark scar. Blood streaks her hair, dripping from the ends. Head wounds bleed a lot, and she received plenty of them when she went through the window.

Severus apologizes for separating them. Profusely. He cannot believe he almost lost his light, his life, his meaning and soul a _nd_ -

The worst had been the Dementors.

But in the end, they had met on a side street, halfway to the Leaky, crowds pushing and shoving, trying to escape the chaos. And there she had seen, finally, the depth of his devotion.

The Dementors had come for her, and even though he knew she knew the Patronus charm, her face had gone ashen and she’d swayed amidst all the panic and the pain and the noise. ( _Severus, I could have sworn I heard a woman screaming… only a woman… but there were so many others!)_

Severus had cast his Patronus, and she had seen, and there was no going back.

“A _doe?!_ A doe, Severus Snape? Why the hell didn’t you tell me?! What in Merlin’s saggy ball-”

He is pushing her up the stairs, into their recently acquired ( _free_ , _Merlin bless Tom_ ) room, trying to curb her hysterics. Nearly two hundred witches and wizards are in the lounges and the pub, crowded around wizarding radios, trying to remain in the safe wards of the Leaky Cauldron and remain close to endangered family members still out on the streets. One woman is wailing. One of the fallen had been her son.

“Lily love, please calm down-“

“DO NOT TELL ANY WOMAN TO CALM DOWN SEVERU-“

He slams the door and silences the room and flings the shutters closed to escape the carnage, and with the light streaming in through the slants it’s almost like they can pretend that the whole world is the same.

It is almost like they can pretend that they will ever know peace again.

 

* * *

She hyperventilates and she cries, and when the names Dorea and Charlus Potter are released among the thirty-two dead, she wails. (Apparently, she had gotten to know Potter’s parents well, over an undisclosed number of holiday visits.)

And then Severus draws her a bath and washes the blood from her hair and tries very hard not to think of all that red all over his hands.

* * *

Lily takes what Marlene gave, and when she does, the visions come; she murmurs very quietly to the slain Potters.

            Over and over, when she could not bear to go home to Petunia and her scorn and her parents’ misunderstandings, they had welcomed her.

            _Her room across from Sirius’s. Gone are the walls of the Leaky. Instead, the beautiful cream of her room at the Potter’s. The sheer curtains surrounding the bed. The vanity mirror. The reflection that winks at her when she rants to herself about James._

_Sirius’s room, his Muggle posters, his motorcycle magazines piled high, sweet wrappers in the bin by the door. Hushed conversations at night, about his parents and his name and his star waiting on him somewhere in the sky._

_She kisses him and when she opens her eyes it is James. She reaches for his hand. He lets hers go. “Lily please-”_

_Her Yule ball dress, the Potters’ ballroom. Silver. She tries to convince herself she didn’t pick it because of it reminds her of Severus. Silver threaded through his green tie._

_Remus, dancing with her. Lips pressed against her ear. “You can’t fool a werewolf, love. It’s alright to miss him.”_

_Dorea opening the door to her room, after a particularly nasty exchange of letters between herself and Petunia and her parents; they cannot understand why she can’t be more sensitive to Tuny’s jealousy. **Just ignore it. Come home**. Be ripped to shreds while you’re at it. _

_Dorea’s soft smile. Charlus’s sarcastic jokes. “It’s alright, dear. You can stay as long as you like.”_

_The next morning. Lily’s eyes open. Sirius is flying outside, hovering by her balcony. She blinks, and the broom turns to a motorcycle. He’s carrying a child. She blinks again, and the image is gone._

_Instead, Dorea is stroking her hair back._

_“Not you,” Lily sobs. “Not you.”_

_“All of us, someday. After all, the last enemy that shall be destroyed is death.”_

_“But- but James- I chose Se- He won’t have **me** , he won’t have **anyone** -“ _

_Dorea rolls her eyes. “Oh Lily love. If you honestly think that, you’re not nearly as intelligent as I thought you to be. Besides. I think James’s fate lies with another. This time.”_

_“Rest,” Charlus advises from the doorway._

_And Lily, entirely lost, closes her eyes._

* * *

When the drugs wear off, and her eyes open, he is all that is left. (She knows this is the last time she will take… _anything_. The visions are painful now.)

Lily blinks lazily, rolling onto her side to stare at him. Severus is not conventionally handsome, and that is precisely what turns her on so much.

She has spent what seems like weeks in this room with him, shut off from the rest of the world, but in reality it is only now the depths of night. The Aurors are still outside collecting statements, patrolling the area. Occasionally beams of light from their spells slide past the closed shutters, sending streaks scuttling across Severus’s skin.

Hooked nose that reminds her of Roman coins ( _Rome wasn’t built in a day but it burned in one please Severus won’t you come in and reduce yourself to ashes too)_. Pale, pale skin that seems almost incandescent in the shining light of night. Black hair fanned out across the pillow, hair she can tug on.

And eyes that stare right back at her, taking in her own bare skin, her own hair and eyes and nose and mouth. ( _Dark masterpiece of a soul.)_

Gods, his mouth. It’s the most perfect part of him, the only expressive feature. It sneers, it smirks, and it smiles (for her), and the kisses…

She could have lost him this day. The thought makes her feel numbed and agonized all at once.

Lily leans over, and traces that beautiful mouth with her tongue. She licks and coaxes, and Severus puts up no barriers. No Occlumency, no walls. He only groans and blinks the haze out of his eyes and threads his fingers through her hair.

The heat is unbearable. It is August, and some of the explosion fires had raged long into the night. Lily is so tired she thinks she might die. She doesn’t have the presence of mind for subtleties or the patience for her own subconscious, really. Instead. Instead. She is all sensation, all feel, all want, all _need_. Her body feels raw. It aches. It has been flung about and abused. Now it craves and demands.

What would have happened, if he had been number thirty-three?

She cannot bear the thought.

Mudblood. ( _Red mixed with the brown of the dust and debris, infected wounds.)_ She wants to split herself open one last time. Give him the last of it so no ( _unholy_ ) terrorist group can take it ever again.

Lily gasps for air that she’ll never have enough of, and she rolls until she is on top of Severus.

( _We’re special, you and I.)_

The light sweeps through the room again, and she sees his eyes widen when she slides what little clothing he’s wearing right off of him. She smiles at him. They are somewhere outside of time, outside of reality. Nothing can touch her here. Nothing except him.

Had it only been this morning when she’d assured her neighbor that he wouldn’t walk on the lawn? Had it really been this afternoon when they had joked and exchanged sweet kisses and taken silly pictures?

Had they really been innocent when they woke up? Had the extra words and the extra thoughts and the extra angst and the extra drugs and the extra teasing _and and **and** \- _had it really been real? Considered a necessary part of this process of belonging to him?

She’s fairly certain Severus took the life of a Death Eater. Lily knows she herself must have fatally wounded someone trying to fight her way here, but she did not, could not stop to check. She had to get to him.

And now **_he is hers, and she is his_** , and she has no more use for petty innocence.

His fingers find her nipples, then her clit. She moans and whimpers and cries out for him. Echoes of this place in ( _outside of_ ) time have been reverberating through her (his) mind for weeks, months, years, waiting to escape. In the mundane moments, this place had slipped through. There is not a second where she does not exist right here.

Beams of light stream through, and Severus watches as his witch shatters in a way windows never can.

And when their bodies finally join, Severus looks up at her, expecting her grimace and her discomfort.

It is there; but only an undertone. A parenthesis. (Blood dripping, offered, a sacrifice and a protection, a ward in and of itself, Merlin, _how could he have ever thought her blood anything less_?)

The rest of her is love.

Severus looks at her, her sweaty shoulders and red hair and green eyes and the crescent cut on her forehead that will never fully heal.

Severus looks at her, and he understands, and no matter how time reasserts itself later, he will remain here. With her.

 _Always_.


	5. Chapter 5

**_…Drugs can change the entire course of your life._ **

 

Their seventh year begins, and Lily turns down James Potter for the final time.

* * *

She also turns down Sirius Black.

Shocker.

* * *

Dumbledore calls Severus to his office one fine fall day.

“My dear boy… have you ever heard of an organization called the Order of the Phoenix?”

Severus hasn’t, but he’s willing to bet Lily has.

(He dresses up as a mad Muggle scientist for Halloween, but he draws the line at altering his hair in any way, shape, or form.)

(Naturally, Black curses it gray and full of static anyhow. Lily kisses the urge for retaliation right out of him.)

* * *

It becomes apparent sometime around Yuletide that Lily Evans is still a target… as is James Potter. And Sirius Black.

 _And_ Severus Snape.

Severus takes a deep breath and approaches young Regulus Black.

“I have a proposition for you.”

* * *

It is New Years’ Eve, and Lily is his, and in his humble opinion, making love at midnight is far better than a drunken, public kiss.

* * *

            On Valentine’s Day, Severus is enjoying a nice cup of tea in Hogsmeade with the love of his life when screaming sounds from outside.

            Severus stiffens and Lily’s eyes widen across from him. Before he can stop her, she rushes outside, wand drawn. _(Ruddy Gryffindor.)_

            He watches as she saves three first years and two third years by propelling them into the waiting doorway of Madam Puddifoot’s. In almost the same movement, she whirls and curses who he thinks to be Abraxus Malfoy in Death Eater’s robes within an inch of his life.

            Severus is busy in a three-on-one duel when he feels more than hears Lily’s anguished cry behind him. He whirls, duel forgotten, to see her lying in the snow, red streaks of hair flying away from her head.

            When she lands on the ground, she is entirely limp. Black’s cousin is about to end her. He is too far away to intervene.

            He prays the three he had been dueling make it quick. He refuses to endure an existence without her.

            Instead, Sirius Black himself runs headlong and swiftly intercepts the curse.

            James Potter and Remus Lupin engage those he himself had been dueling.

            Severus sprints to Lily, and does not thank the Marauders as he Apparates them both to Saint Mungo’s.

            If she lives, _then_ perhaps he’ll be civil.

* * *

 

“In short, Ms. Evans, you’re incredibly lucky to be alive. It’s unthinkable that you’re still able to bear children… but we can find no trace of any lingering curse effects in that area.”

            Severus had sat through hellacious hours of healing, head in his hands. He had been solely focused on her life. It had never occurred to him that the angle she had been hit might have had lingering consequences.

            To his great irritation, his eyes fill with tears and his throat aches.

            Lily looks at him, green eyes almost gray in the stark white of the hospital, and says very forcefully, “I don’t care what you say, Severus Tobias Snape. If we have a child, Sirius Black is to be named godfather.”

            (Severus vows then and there to end the life of Bellatrix Black.)

* * *

 

            Lily loses her parents in March, not to a Death Eater raid or even anything magical. She loses them to a car accident.

            Petunia corners her at the funeral, livid and sure she and her “freakish people” had _something_ to do with it.

            “To me, you died in that car as well. I never want to see you or yours again!” ( _A wraith.)_

            When Severus gets Lily back to the castle, there is something harder _(jagged like the tones in her sister’s voice)_ in her that scares him.

* * *

            They graduate Hogwarts with honors in different subjects.

            That night, Severus proposes. ( _Oh Severus. Oh yes.)_

            The next day, Lily Evans, Severus Snape, and the Marauders are formally inducted into the Order of the Phoenix.

* * *

            “Severus?”

            “Hm?”

            “Do you like my name?”

            “Of course I do, Lily love.”

            “No, I mean, do you like… the theme of my name.”

            “What in the world-”

            “I like the name Amaryllis Eileen.” Lily says this in a rush, as though she’s not quite certain she should be saying it at all.

            Severus looks up sharply. And then he grins. “It’s a far sight better than Harry. That’s what Potter is wanting to name his and Dorcas’s brat.”

* * *

            To Severus’s great astonishment, Sirius Black is named godfather of both Amaryllis Snape _and_ Harry Potter. At once.

            Because they are born on precisely the same day.

            When Severus encounters Frank Longbottom in the cafeteria, he barely refrains from hexing someone.

* * *

            There is a prophecy, and there is a traitor.

            Severus knows it is Pettigrew right away. The imbecile’s mental barriers are non-existent.

            He only barely prevents Black from being sent to Azkaban for killing the cowardly rat. In the end, they turn Pettigrew over to the Dementors.

            Severus tells himself it’s because Amaryllis doesn’t deserve to have a convict for a godfather.

            Lily only gives him a knowing wink, and an extra kiss in the morning.

* * *

Sirius Black shows up at three in the morning on the first of November _. (They are supposed to be sleeping. That is one of the two things three a.m. is for.)_

            In his arms is tiny Harry Potter. He is screeching and rubbing at a lightning shaped cut on his forehead.

            Lily takes one look at the baby and bursts into tears. ( _She has a cut the shape of a crescent moon on her forehead that will undoubtedly leave a Dark scar.)_

            “It wasn’t enough. Moving them after Peter wasn’t enough. What do I do now?” Black is practically begging, crying himself, and Severus realizes he is looking at _him._

            Severus sighs heavily. “You come in, Black. You cast a Silencing charm so Harry does not wake Amaryllis. And then you inform Lupin, and we figure out the babysitting schedule.”

            Lily looks at the tiny boy, and feels a strange pull somewhere deep in her gut. As though somewhere or some-when else, she lost something and can’t recall what precisely it was.

            Severus looks at Lily, and feels the same.

* * *

            The year before Amaryllis Snape, Harry Potter, and Neville Longbottom are to start Hogwarts, Severus is conveniently hired as the Potions Master.

            Lily sighs, and pretends it is in exasperation rather than relief.

* * *

Amaryllis begins writing of a boy named Draco. And then a boy named Blaise. And _then_ , most frequently and therefore worst of all, a _Gryffindor_ boy named _Ronald._

            Severus is starting his third Firewhiskey when Lily intervenes.

            “Severus Snape! Stop it this instant. She is perfectly entitled to explore her own feelings!”

            “Lily Hope Snape, never say that again in my presence!”

            “Oh, you ornery man. Look what I found.”

            And Lily pulls out a faded photo album with moving photographs of sequined dresses and ghastly orange shirts.

            And Severus sighs. “Well. At least she developed my bias for redheads.”

* * *

The Dark Lord returns.

            Amaryllis stands by Harry through it all.

            And Severus wonders whether or not this is karma.

* * *

            The Dark Lord falls.

            Lily, _his Lily_ , is standing next to him ‘til the very end, scratched and bloody and bruised, but so much luckier than most and they watch the boy they have come to regard as a son win a war.

            And next to him, their daughter.

            After, when it is all over, Lily turns to him, exhausted and exuberant all at once. “Do you ever wonder what would have happened if we hadn’t-“

            “No,” Severus says. (Even though sometimes, with Lily in their kitchen and in their living room and in the passenger seat of a shared car and his office and his entire life, with her blood and his blood and her eyes and his mouth on one perfect being, he wonders if this is not some delightful, bizarre illusion.)

            Lily smiles. (Sometimes she looks at the pet shop in Diagon Alley, wondering if that piece of her got swept up with the glass all those years ago, or if James recognized it for what it was, picked it up, put it in his son for her to find. Sometimes Lily looks at the pictures and sees the boy that called her a Mudblood and icy terror fills her very being because it would have been so easy to have never spoken to him again, and _then and then and **then**_ \- but no matter now. No matter. She has always been Severus’s. This is the way things were meant to end. She knows it in the core of who she is. _Special. It’s **real**. All is well._)

            “I don’t either,” she says.

* * *

            When Severus and Lily’s first grandchild is born, he sits in silence for quite some time in the waiting room, glaring at the nervous and pacing father.

            “Honestly, _be still_. This is why you were kicked out of the delivery room in the first place-“

            “The baby is here!” Lily runs down the hall, hair still impossibly red, eyes still impossibly green.

            Severus feels as though he might faint. He hasn’t the foggiest clue why.

            “Severus?” Her hands are on his face, fingers in his hair, and her lips comfortingly against his skin. “Oh, Severus.”

            He holds his granddaughter, and the tiny thing stubbornly refuses to open her eyes. He is curious, dying to know.

            “Look at me,” he murmurs. _Willing._

            And _there_.

            There are _her_ eyes.

            (When he cries, the tears are more like memories.)

           

           

           


End file.
